Apocalyptoromance

Preface: The year is 2012, and the world has fallen into an apocalyptic nuclear war. The world's nuclear arsenal has wiped out every human on earth, except for one man...Marcus. Marcus suffers from an underdeveloped left arm, and is a scientist.

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Marcus had been lying still in his cot for nearly twenty hours straight. Sleeping was impossible due to the constant flickering of his now dwindling light sources. He knew the gasoline was low, and the last two generators would give out soon. He figured he'd get at least another hour of light before he had to make the choice. The only choice he had left.

Marcus' life work was creating an apparatus capable of sending one person back in time. 24 years, two marriages, and every living soul on the planet would be the cost of this work. The epic war that battled for his untested time machine had left Marcus alone now, deep in his underground laboratory. He had only himself.

"What do I choose!?" His scream echoed for miles through the empty and chilly corridors. If it wasn't enough that this evil machine had caused so many countless deaths, it would now force Marcus to decide his own fate. Two options, and suicide wasn't one of them. There was only 1 gallon of fuel left for one of the generators, which was enough for 12 minutes of power. 12 minutes. This is exactly how much time it would take to run the time machine for one trip back into time, or it would provide Marcus with 12 more minutes of light to masturbate.

The dilemma was unbearable. On the one hand, Marcus might be able to travel back in time to save humanity, and on the other he could give himself one last pleasurable experience before accepting the end of existance.

The time machine was designed as a two person operation. One person would flip the switch, while the other would be transported through time. Marcus knew that if he flipped the switch himself, he would be instantly transported back in time to an unknown time and place, but his hand would be left in the future still attached to the switch. The chance that he would be sent back in time, to a place where he could not save himself and the world, was only worsened by the fact that when he arrived he'd have no good hand to masturbate with.

The last flicker of light fizzled to darkness. Marcus knew what he had to do. He couldn't afford not to take the chance. He owed the world. He decided he would send himself back in time, and if he could, he'd end his own life before his research into time travel even began.

The last gallon of fuel was poured into the generator. Marcus removed every input, except for the machine's. He felt the pressure build in his chest as he maneuvered into the transport silo. He shut his eyes and spent his last moments remembering all his joyful masturbation in the last few days, and then with a flick of his wrist, FLASH!

Marcus slowly opened his eyes and found a horror he hadn't even imagined. He had traveled back to the moment where he decided to use the time machine! He called out in horror to his past self, "WAIT! Don't pull the switch!"

"If you do that, you'll only travel back to this moment!"

Marcus and his past self, speechless at the discovery, knew that no matter how many times it was repeated, time travel now would be an infinity of this very moment. Nothing could be done. Nothing will ever be done to change this.

"Well, what do we do with the last bit of fuel we have left then?", they simultaneously asked each other. Marcus wanted to masturbate, but he was now missing his good hand. Past Marcus proposed he would 'assist' and masturbate them both. After a few minutes of debate, they decided that it wouldn't be gay because, future or past, both of them were the same person. So, it would only be masturbation.

And just as Marcus began to touch Marcus, a Hawking black hole opened up in Marcus' penis. "Oh no! Two separate entities of matter cannot occupy the same space, and we've now opened a black ho..." Before he could finish his last word, the solar system was swallowed up by the black hole. 200 years later, Marcus gave birth to a pineapple. It hurt.

Steven loves Rebecca

Steven was usually wrong, but it never let him stop trying to explain the unexplainable. This time, however, he had a real doozie on his hands. He was struggling to explain to his girlfriend, Rebecca, the difference between yellow and pink lemonades.

"You see, pink lemonade is pink because the lemons used have had very limited UV exposure. The farmers apply spf 45 sun lotion to them on Mondays in June."

Rebecca wasn't buying his bullshit this time. They argued for 4 days without sleep or food. They drank only pink lemonade. After the fourth day, they agreed the only way to solve the argument was to travel to the lemonade factory in the next town and ask the lead lemon squeezer. So, off they went.

Steven was too cheap to spring for a taxi, and Rebecca couldn't afford a car due to her massive gambling debts she incurred betting at the hermit crab race track in Myrtle Beach, SC. They had to walk the whole way, except for the 400 yards where the sidewalks had been replaced by rolling tramways in front of the factory. The two were glad to get to the factory, as they were tired from arguing about lemonade and walking a long way (except for the part where they rode the rolling tramway just then).

Just as Steven was about to knock on the factory's front door, robber bandits jumped out from behind the hedgework. "Give us your keys to your car!", they shouted.

"We don't have a car. We used the rolling tramway!", proclaimed Rebecca.

"Damn, everyone is using that thing these days! Well, were going to kidnap your boyfriend and hold him hostage until our demands are met. We're taking him to our secret hideout."

Poof! They disappeared. One of the robber bandits must have had a smoke bomb or something. Rebecca was not sure what to do. The only person that she thought could help her was the wizard.

Rebecca found a car that was unattended by the factory hedgework, and she drove it straight to the wizard's house. She ran straight into the wizard's house without even knocking, which was really rude (but given the circumstances, it was the last thing on her mind). She entered the living room to find the wizard watching Baywatch and eating a bowl of Sour Patch Kids while sitting in his favorite chair.

The wizard's chair was a warm and delightfully worn-in merlot colored leather wingback chair. It was the kind of sitting piece found in many a dignitary's library. The winged back spread wide at the top, and dove inwards near its sultry hips. The low glow of the tv reflected the age of the supple leather at each button and stitch. The armrests held a stained aroma of pipe tobacco smoke, but only so slightly that the smell was never overbearing. This chair was caring. This chair was home.

After noticing the chair, Rebecca noticed this wasn't actually the wizard, but it was actually his brother Robert. Robert was wearing a snuggie, so it was easy to see how Rebecca could be initially confused. "Robert, my boyfriend was taken by robber bandits to their secret hideout! Can you help me?"

"Well I would, but I have plans later to make love to this chair I'm sitting in. You're going to have to handle this without me."

"Where do I even begin?"

"Well I heard that the robber bandits have made the lemonade factory their secret hideout, because it was convenient for this story!", exclaimed Robert.

Rebecca raced back to the lemonade factory and rescued her boyfriend. Then they had sweet sweet doing it for 2 hours with no foreplay. The end.